Toilet Humour
by J. Marguerite
Summary: James confronts Sirius whilst he's heaving over a toilet bowl. (Slash)


A/N: I got this idea after puking at four in the morning. Needless to say, it seemed funny then. I'm sorry if it isn't anymore.

* * *

The porcelain toilet bowl is cool underneath my fingers as I lean over it.

'Phowar, mate, what in Merlin's name did you _eat_?'

I can't reply as I feel the contents of my stomach pour out through my mouth. James only laughs as I let out a groan and finally reply.

'Oysters…'

I am cut off as my stomach lurches again.

'I guess that teaches you not to indulge in the finer things in life, then.'

'Shut up.'

James chortles and leans against the cupboard next to the loo. We're in the adjacent bathroom to our dorm and I am absolutely, without a doubt crook as a dog. So much for finding out if oysters really are in aphrodisiac.

'Sirius,' James starts again, 'we've been in here half an hour. Dontcha think you've had enough time with the toilet. Some of us need to pee.'

'Go to girlsh room,' I manage to splutter through a mouthful of sick.

'Ergh, that's disgusting.'

I don't reply as a rest my head against the toilet bowl. A lengthy pause runs between us and I just _know_ James is leading up to something.

'So… Sirius,' he begins. I vomit. 'Are you still a virgin?'

What the _fuck_?

Wait… better say that out loud.

''ot th' huck?'

It's been three months since James has been dating Lily, and he is constantly bragging to Remus, Peter and I about how far he has gone with her. Which, frankly, isn't that far.

I decide to shut him up about his oh-so-soon tales of his rendezvous with Lily.

'No, I'm not.'

James double takes and I am just waiting for his eyes to pop through his glasses.

'_What_?'

'Not… virshin…'

I'm vomiting again. James is staring at me and I decide to put him out of his misery. After all, it's not everyday someone loses their virginity.

'Remush. 'ad sex with him… weeksh ago.'

James almost chokes. Perhaps he needs to vomit too.

'Wait- you mean Remus _Lupin_? As in the very _male_ Remus Lupin?'

'Ung-hungh' I decide not to go any further, mostly because my mouth is full of what used to be my dinner. James is gaping at me, and I think he is unsure as to whether believe me or not. However, the main difference between me and Remus is that Remus is prone to keeping secrets and lying. I, however, tell the truth no matter what.

'You… you lying little prick! Tell me the truth!'

Ah, James, I already did though. Hey, look, I have yellow crap hanging from my lip.

The door opens.

'Hello, James. What's wrong with Sirius?'

Peter.

'I kicked him in the gut because he's a lying little bitch.'

'Don't make me throw the contents of this bowl in your face, James.'

James lets out a very sickened noise and shuts up. Peter, however, is interested and sits on the step to the shower. He's behind me, so he can't see when my stomach threatens to bring up more of my stomach's contents. I never knew I was allergic to creatures that carry around their own homes. Suppose I do now. At least I know what to eat when I want to get out of Potions.

James offers me a wad of toilet paper to wipe my mouth with. I take it graciously, wipe my mouth, and throw it into the toilet. I flush it, and try not to breath to loudly being as my breath, I'm sure, doesn't smell to pleasant, and would cause everyone else in the Gryffindor house to vomit and then I would vomit again and the cycle would go on and on until Dumbledore does some of his funky-ass magic tricks and transfigures us all into porcupines. Or something.

'Sirius, don't tell me you've actually done _it_?' James asks, offering me a glass of water that he has been nursing for the past half hour.

'Done what?' Peter asks.

I reply after I take a sip. 'Yes, I've done it.'

'What?' Peter asks again.

'And with _him_?'

James.

'Yes!'

Me.

'Who?'

Peter.

'When?'

James.

'A while ago.'

Me.

'What's going on here?'

Peter. He sounds very annoyed; we should explain or I know he'll start hemorrhaging.

'Sirius had sex!' James cries, his voice cracking.

'_What_? _When_? _Who_?'

James ticks off a finger with every answer. 'Sex, while ago, Remus'

'_Remus!_'

'Yes?'

Remus is standing in the doorway, a toothbrush in one hand and a towel in the other. His eyes are wide as his head darts from Peter sitting on the shower step, to James still leaning on the cupboard, arms crossed over his stomach, to me, still somewhat green, but looking (as I'm sure) absolutely gorgeous.

'You had sex with Sirius!' Peter cries, this time his voice cracking.

Remus' face goes pale, and he crosses to the cupboard. He places his belongings down, and pauses. His back is facing me, but I can tell he is choosing his words carefully.

He finally turns around and faces me.

'You told them?'

I nod. For a moment I'm worried he's going to lunge on me, but then I realize I'd enjoy it, and Remus _knows_ that, so he won't.

I'm oddly disappointed.

'So you two did shag!'

James is still finding all this incredibly terrifying and I throw my glass- still half-full- at him. It hits him in the side of the head, falls, and crashes loudly to the ground. Peter jumps a mile in his seat and falls backwards on the shower floor. Remus rushes over to Peter (oh, he's in his purple fluffy bathrobe. Musn't get excited, Sirius, I don't think your friends will like you getting aroused in front of them), and James grabs me.

I'm dragged to my feet, and my stomach reels and I'm about to warn James when he whacks me on the back. I spin on my heel, and my head spins with it. I close my eyes, and I can hear Remus asking if Peter is alright; I can hear James telling me what an utter prick I am and how much it's going to bruise in the morning and he's going to do with me. I open my eyes, and wonder if James will mind much because that _is_ his favourite shirt.

Then I realize the news of me and Remus fucking will be all over Hogwarts tomorrow.

And that, Professor McGonagall, is how James managed to get vomit all over his shirt.

* * *

A/N: Note to self: Never eat cheesecake again. You are lactose intolerant.

That is all. 


End file.
